Baby Proofing Your House

The time has come when your wonderful baby boy or girl is no longer laying around.  They have rolled over and are about to change your life forever, again.  The world for you is never going to be the same.  You are now going to turn your house upside down and move things around you thought was safe, but turns out to be a death trap.  What we need to understand is that this process comes down to two basic philosophies: Raise everything up 5 feet or continually say no.

When you baby proof there are universal items and things you must do.  When you reach the point to baby proof your house.  Proof the house all at once.  Don't piece meal it out because you will find out having to scramble to get everything baby proof is awful.  Take a day to proof the house or at least the floor you plan to allow them to explore. 

Universal Things to Baby Proof:

Cabinets and Drawers:
When you baby proof there are a number of different products out there.  Installing these will require a little drilling and a little time depending on the amount of cabinets you have.  Currently there is the classic clasp which comes in a variety of styles these days or the magnetic turn key for single doors.  Personally having to have a key every time I want to open the door is a little over kill for me.  Put if your little critter is crafty you might have to go to this level.  If you have double doors with handles you can use clasps which come in a variety of things as well.
 








Gates for Stairs and Door Ways:

By far one of the most important parts of baby proofing is the gate.  It limits the access your young heathen is able to access.  Gates are important and come in two types.  Permanent and moveable.  Stairs should be permanent as you want something sturdy as kids are going to attempt to hang off of and try to take down, permanent is better.  There are so many options it's pretty much what fits you and your family.
 

Coffee Tables and Sharp Edges:
Despite what you think everything you own made from wood or glass has a sharp edge.  Due to this you might want to put some type of foam padding on these things if you don't remove them entirely.  I recommend taking them out as they will become a climbing, jumping or moved to gain access to things you don't want them having.  You say this will never happen but I guarantee you it will.  If your kid has any intelligence worry about their craftiness, unless your kids an idiot, than there's nothing to worry about.  If you decide to keep it or it's unmovable wrap it in foam or at least the edges.  Kids are clumsy, they fall a lot and smack their head on hard objects.


Doors:
Doors with handles are the greatest things next to gate in corralling kids.  They come in a bunch of different styles.  If you have any of those long door handles than you should change those out.  Kids find those really easy to open. 
 

Electronics:
This all depends on what you own.  If your a hippie, hipster, granola or any other of those crazies than skip to the next section.  If you are like the rest of America you have a TV and more than likely some type of gaming system along with some other odds and ends.  What you should know is that having exposed wires and other things within grabbing distance is a no-no in baby proofing.  No open entertainment systems, if you do you need to have some type of clear cover (this way the remote will work).  Also if you have one of those short entertainment centers you need to attach the TV to the hall and have cord covers for the wires.  In addition to this you need to strap the TV to the entertainment system.  Make sure your wires are covered and all electrical sockets plugged.  For anything that travels you can find hide-a-wire which is great for speaker wires, Ethernet and/or any other cords.  


Kitchen:
As far as the kitchen goes make sure to cover the knobs, cabinets and drawers, put up a heat shield to stop fingers from touching the scorching heat or pulling boiling oil onto themselves, a latch for the oven as well for who needs baby nuggets.  Last but not least is the fridge.  This is by far one of the most irritating things to not lock up.  Children with access to the fridge make your life hell.  Lock that shit up.  


Bathroom:
My personal opinion is to keep the kids out of the bathroom unless supervised, use the door handle proofing to keep them out.  However if you need to keep the door open there are some things to help keep them safe.  Cabinets follow the same philosophies as the kitchen.  In addition to cabinets Toilets have options as well.
 


Finally and not least once you get this done you need to release the kid to find anything you missed and fix it.  If your kid isn't old enough to be tearing the house apart yet, you might want to have a niece, nephew or a friends kid come over to test it out.  Good luck!

A Father's Diaper Bag

So you are going to be taking your kid out in public with or without your wife who at this point has taken care of everything to do with the diaper bag and basically everything else.  She just hands it to you to load it into the car.  Now she has given you permission or because she has to go back to work you have to take over going to the grocery store with the kid(s).  Here is your basic diaper bag for those of you like me who refuse to carry around the bright pink or blue bag identifying you as a brand new dad.  Remember Swag is something you have or fake so no one knows how truly terrified you are of having to take your kid out in public.

A Man's Diaper Bag

First and foremost you need a good looking pack.  No man should have to walk around with something found in Baby's R Us.  If she gets to spend $50-$100 on a bag you should too.  I recommend a backpack as you will need your hands free.  I recommend a good day back within the 30-40 Liter range  Here are some examples:
 


 What Goes in your Awesome Diaper Bag:

Diapers, Wipes, Butt Cream and Dog Crap Bags
This will always be in the bag until the kids are completely potty trained (3-4 for boys/2-3 for girls).  You only need 10-12 diapers (under 2 years of age); 5-6 diapers (2 and up).  Find a gallon size freezer zip lock bag and put a good 2 inches of wipes into the bag.  Don't buy the travel pack those things will be out before you know it and the travel hard cases just don't hold enough.  Red irritated ass needs to be taken care of.  Girls need a cream, boys need powder.    Last is the Dog Crap Bag, yes that is right, the crap bag.  So you just changed your kid in the back seat of your car in the middle of a parking lot an hour away from home with no trash can near you.  Guess what that diaper will smell up the entire car and leave a lingering smell for days no matter how well you Febreze.  These bags are everywhere, are cheap, has a small easy to use one handed case and do a good job of blocking out that smell.  This is your constant and most used items in the bag. 

Cooler:

As you know if you have frozen breast Milk, Whole Milk, Juice or anything that needs to stay cold  you will need a cooler.  If this is your second or third kid or you have older nephew(s), steal or permanently borrow their last year's Lunch Box Cooler.  No one will miss it.  If not they are cheap as hell and tax free once a year sometime around August. Their simple small and easy to pack with whatever frozen or cold thing you need.  Just pop in a frozen gel pack as a liner and add whatever cold beverage you desire.  I'm a fan of this style as the bottom allows you to pack snacks or formula in the bottom.  The handle makes it easy to find and pull out of your pack.     


Thermos:
For those of you with frozen breast milk you want a Thermos filled with scolding hot water.  This way when you need to defrost that frozen titty milk you don't have to scramble to find hot water.  Just pull it out poor some into the lid and add frozen milk, wait until warm then serve.  If you need warm water for formula you need to make it almost scolding hot before you put it into the thermos.  This way hours later when you go to feed them the water will be the perfect temperature.  (If you will feed them soon put warm water into the Thermos don't burn your kids its a no-no.)
 



Formula Containers:
For the formula you can find containers you can measure out the scoops before you leave the house.  You could also use M&M Minni containers as well for your individual measuring cup.  The only problem is it's a pain in the ass to get it into the container without a funnel along with the rest but if you loose it you won't be in trouble (just make sure to clean them well before use).  I like them because they will stay fresh and you don't have to replace them every time if they aren't used unlike the rest of them because most of those containers are not air tight.   



Water bottle:

Juice/Milk/Pre-made Formula/Water/Chocolate Milk/Daddy's Bourbon and Coke.  The water bottle is by far the most useful element in your arsenal after the age of 1.  You can fill it with whatever you want, cram it in the cooler and you have instant refill.  The key is the water bottle itself.  Make sure it's a tight seal and doesn't have any tubes or strays to cause leakage in case it gets knocked over.  Also when they stop needing all the fluids you can reuse the bottle as a place to store all those lose snacks they love like gold fish, Cheetos, carrots, trail mix, etc, etc.


Toys:
Lets face it the ipad is the greatest father invention ever.  Just give it to them and you only have to stop what your doing to restart the app they accidentally turned off.  Here's the trick for that:  Go to settings, general, accessibility, guided access; turn that on.  Go to the app you want them to stay on hit the home button three times and hit start in the upper right hand corner.  They cannot leave the app unless you enter the code.  Presto.  Make sure you have a heavy duty case like Otter Box or Survival Case because they will drop that toy.  Or if you really are a good dad pack your kids favorite stuff.  If you are really a good dad you will know this and won't need me to tell you.   

Snack(s):

That nifty cooler has a bottom part perfect for all those snacks you need to have to support that growing kid(s) of yours.  Most packs come with an electronics pocket located at the top.  I recommend having some type of bar or bag of their favorite won't go stale food there for emergencies.  Also a zip lock back of gold fish is always fun to hand over to kids in car seats.  Remember what you feed your kid is up to you, know what they can handle and don't allow them to kill themselves by cramming to much food into their mouth.  Be a parent use your brain and make the right decision.  Remember just because it didn't kill them the first time doesn't mean the second, third or twentieth won't.   Personally I make a trail mix with Almonds, Gold Fish and Honey Roasted Peanuts that's pretty damn awesome, I put it into a water bottle similar to the one shown above.




Odds and Ends:

Pacifier(s) if you use these make sure to have 2 back ups hidden in your pack 
Headphones: For when you have had enough and can't stand listening to whatever they have to say.  Pop these in while you smile and nod making all the right sounds letting your kid know you are listening to the no way important thing they are babbling about.  Or they are to young to talk to you and just need eye contact once in a while.
Phone charger: Because you've been listening to music all afternoon.



Don't allow yourself to carry those worthless emasculating diaper bags with all that baby crap in it.  Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you need to be one too.  You are still cool and still struggling with knowing the life you had before kids will never be the same with kids.  Hang in there and remember: Just because... or It's cute or any other god damn thing she says changes the fact you are a man and men don't walk around with diaper bags from baby stores.  We buy back packs and carry baby things in them.   

Father's Swimming Survival Kit

For all of you fathers out there this summer we are at some point going to be taking our kids to the pool, lake, ocean, pond.  For this reason I have put together your survival kit.  Depending on the amount of kids you will vary on the quantity of your haul, This gives you the outline regardless of size.  Just because we are the pack mules doesn't mean we have to suffer.

1) Sports Umbrella:  I'm a huge fan of these umbrellas as they are tough.  They can be laid down or be spiked into the ground.  Plus the bottom is a solid medal spike perfect for an impromptu Zombie killing tool.  Don't bring those giant 12x12 tents unless you are having a multi-family outing.














2)Spray Sun Tan Lotion:  This stuff is easy to apply and doesn't require your kids to be still for long.  Spray it on and rub it in.  I recommend a sport with a SPF of over 30.  This way you don't have to keep applying it so often throughout the day.  Regardless of what you get you should reapply 2-3 hours until they are golden brown.  Bright Pink makes home hell later.  Remember to spray on your hands before applying to their faces.




3)Towels/Blankets:  You need towels because drying without them just doesn't feel right.  I recommend the total number plus one.  If you bring a blanket or a mat you can minus 1 as you should be laying on that rather than the towels.  I recommend the roll compared to the fold for when you ram them in your pack.

4) Toys:  This is difficult if you don't want to lug a bag full.  Personally I say loose the bag of cheap beach toys and go with a decent sand shovel.  Everyone likes to dig at the beach.  With a few of these you and your kids can bury each other or build the most awesome moat to hold back the waves.  All the other toys will be forgotten, plus these sand shovels are light and can be easily carried.  Make sure the spade is made of a heavy plastic and the body of wood.


5)Blow ups and other fun: This is something I try to avoid at the beaches because you have sand to play in and boogie boards are so much more fun.  Plus unless your kids are munchkins they can carry their own.  If you must bring a float for the pool or lake say because your kid is to small to swim than I recommend something that is easily collapsible or requires a noodle to float.  Just remember whatever you bring with you has to be taken back.


6)Life Vest vs. Floaties:  Personally I go with the floaties.  They are small, blow up (meaning they deflate) so they will fit in your bag.  Also they won't cause you to suffer a head rush when you blow them and your floats up.  The life vest are great for a boat but in reality they don't allow kids the freedom to learn to swim as the floaties do.  Vest tend to end up around their ears and do exactly what they are intended for.  Let the kids swim not float.


7)Cooler:  This is a good idea if you plan an all day event at the beach or pool.  Just remember where you are going.  If you are going to a pool a cooler with rollers is awesome.  If you are going to the beach, that same cooler is going to piss you off.  Pack what you need not what they want because you will end up hungry because swimming is work and Doritos only last so long.  Pack plenty of protein sandwiches (Peanut Butter & Jellies)  and since a 12 pack of Gatorade from the store is almost as cheap as water I would go with that.  Water is great but you need salts and some sugar to replace what you loose.  Nothing is worse when the kids are burnt out and crying.  A little sugar helps them keep it together long enough to get to the car.




8)Pack: Now that you have everything you will need a pack to cram all this into.  I say go with a decent size book bag you have laying around you won't mind flipping inside out to get the sand out when you get home.



Now your ready to go.  You've unloaded the car with a pack on your back, umbrella on the shoulder, cooler in hand and shovels or a bag of toys in the other.  Everyman is the pack mule in the relationship.  This is just one way to get it there without wanting to bury a body in the sand.   

Man Fashion and the emasculation of Men in America

  Recently I've noticed a big push in the fashion industry for men specifically to start a new trend in short shorts, proving once again their are no straight men in fashion and women continue to think they know what we want.  I don't have anything against this except for the complete disconnect of what men really are going to wear.  Shorts should never be above the knee or below the calf.  There are certain things we shouldn't do but for some reason find this happening to us.  A man's thighs are not very attractive as we have unusual hair growth.  Men should not shave their legs unless they are competitive swimmers, therefore no thigh.  Also skinny jeans are a no, no.  Didn't we learn this from Break'n and Breank'n 2: Electric Boogaloo. 

   Fashion is by definition "what is cool now".  That doesn't mean it's a good idea.  I remember the 70s, 80s and 90s.  Thank god grunge came into play otherwise we would be living in a Beetle Juice Movie with crooked hats and Mad Max leather.

  I remember the short shorts with thigh high 3 ring socks on guys.  This should never happen again in history, but some reason the fashion industry believes this is a good course to take.  I for one find it hard to understand how dicks stayed confined back than.  It must of been very tight tightly whities.  Fashion of today is not doing anything new as they want everyone to think, rather they are just recycling what has already been done from different eras, smashing it together then reselling it to the general public.  Want something new and cool build me a shirt that makes me levitate or will never have to be wash, yet is so soft it doesn't feel like I'm wearing one.  This would be fashion.  Just because its trending doesn't mean it's a good thing.  

  The biggest problem are the people who buy and order clothes of major retailors are going to be stocking their shelves with skinny jeans and short shorts for guys in pastel and retinue burning colors.  I for one am going to have to start going to good will and consignment shops to find things that I won't be embarrassed to wear in public unless I plan on doing road work, than buying what their selling would be a safety necessity.  This may be one of the saddest times in fashion as all the current popular designers can't do anything but regurgitate things so old I haven't had (and am thankful for) in my closet since I was a little kid and my mother bought my clothes.

  Men wake up and realize that we are still being dressed by our mothers.  Fashion is not run by men with men saying that looks good.  Lets face it.  We all would still be wearing animal skins if this was taking place.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be left out of this.  I seriously wonder how many fashion people actually take a group of average guys like you and me to look and see what is "new fashion".  I guarantee we would have these people in tears in a matter of moments.  I've tried to watch those popular design shows, I feel for these emotional basket cases.  Clothing is a statement and Men have no say in this statement.

  Men for the last 20 years have taken a beating in the fashion industry.  We have slowly over time been and are being emasculated.  I understand to a certain degree women's desire to get back at being considered inferior and such, but they are taking it to far as young men and male children throughout the United States are being taught the things that allowed our species to survive and flourish are wrong.  Current cultural thinking is men need to be pressed, polished and feminine.  The fashion industry pumps this view, but I don't know a woman alive who wants a man who can't defend her from the bad guy.  They may say this isn't true, but if you are able to save her from some scary moment, I guarantee you some hot "thank you" sex afterwards.  Despite the emasculation of this our nature cannot be squashed in such a short time, we need outlets for our aggression and primal needs.  Despite what the shrinks say competition is the nature of the world and to say otherwise is a delusion setting people up for failure.

  Men take a look at magazines offered to us.  We all need to be sexy and vibrant.  These things don't offer you reality, they offer you pipe dreams and possibilities.  Reality however is not so simple with wife, kids, work, etc.  I continually breeze through these magazines in the grocery line and find hope for my children's masculinity being flushed down the toilet by people who don't live in reality.  Short, shorts and skinny jeans, scarves on men as accenting an outfit, what is America coming to.  This doesn't mean go out and dress in camouflage, running out to buy a gun you have no clue how to use.  The message is to boycott the fashion industries desire to dress us as our mothers did.

  Take a stand against short, shorts and skinny jeans on men.  Stay away from popping your collar, wearing scarves to accent your outfit.  Be men, if your going to wear shorts make sure they are not snug, let the twins breath down there, allow the air to flow, stop allowing the fashion industry cram your manhood away.