You're Having a Baby!!!!

Congratulations!  You're having a baby!  This is what everyone says when they find out your going to have a baby.  What you're really feeling is this deep pit of anxiety that makes you want to piss your pants every time you think about it because lets face it, you have no idea what to expect.

  Like most men you just can't bring yourself to look at the books your wife, baby mama, girlfriend, significant other or whatever you decided to call her (I would reframe from any succubus, soul sucking, or ruined my life verbage.  It doesn't go over well.) has bought while you try to put the nursery together under their supervision.

  Since you don't have time for a book, I've decided to break it down for you in a time line basis.  Remember you have 18 plus years of living with the alien inside the woman's stomach that will come out.

Birth:
  The first thing you need to know is that the birthing process is disgusting, agonizing and mind altering terrorizing to your psyche.  Don't worry this is for the most part the scariest part, because unless you are a doctor, nurse or work in the health field all you know about babies is what you where taught in 8th grade Health.  Let the doctor's and nurses do their thing, Stay out of the way, and don't faint.  There is nothing magical about something the size of a watermelon coming out of your favorite wife's hole.

You will now have several days in the hospital for you to become adjusted to being a father, your wife to learn to attach the kid to the booby.  Run through the basics.  These will be your last days to sleep, take them, put the baby into the nursery as much as possible, she'll hate you for it then, will thank you later.  Once home it's eat, sleep, poop every three hours and that's if your lucky.

0-6 Months:

  Welcome to your wife never sleeping again, it's all your fault and sex was something you use to do if you breast feed.  If you bottle feed you and your partner can take shifts, swapping.  You're going to be cranky, tired and exhausted.  Get use to this feeling because you are going to live in this haze for a while.  If your wife is awesome and isn't working, she may allow you to sleep so you can go to work.  If your wife is a bitch, I wish you luck.

6-9 Months:

  This is the golden time where you get to catch up with some of that sleep you lost in the last 6 months.  This is the napping phase of life.  Your kid is awake, happy and can't move.  You can lay it on the ground, walk away and come back to the kid being in the exact same place.  This is the highlight of having kids, they will never be this still again.

9 months - 3 years:

  If you have boys you will understand when I say this: Raise everything you want to keep, lock everything that is valuable and breakable into boxes filled with bubble wrap.  Don't plan on having anything nice for a while.  Louie C.K. said it best about boys, "Boy's are like Hurricane's you can measure the damage they do to your life in dollars," for they will destroy everything you have, smile and do it again.  It's not out of malice, but of an honest curiosity to see how much stress objects can take before they break.  If you have girls you don't have to go through this process.  Girls apparently have this innate ability to be polite and respectful without needing to be yelled at, punished and/or spanked.  Boys need continual and consistent discipline to make it through these years.  Remember this rule: You don't raise boys, you just keep them alive long enough to go to school.  During this time you will need to make sure there are no small objects as they will go in their mouth.  Keep them alive through constant vigilance.   

3-4 years:     

  This is where kids learn to press your buttons.  They learn the word "No" and will use it every chance they get to piss you off.  The more they see you flip out the more often and the better skilled they will become in manipulating your feelings.  Be consistent with your decisions and remember you can snatch them up and manhandle them.  Don't be scared to show them who's boss.  I don't believe in that feeling garbage.  No kid I've ever met felt like doing anything except to have fun.  The only way I can get a heard of cats to go anywhere is by placing them in boxes and taking them.

4-9 years:

  These are good times overall.  Don't get me wrong we still have to be vigilant about accidental death, but for the most part they have discovered fire is hot, the stove is hot, cats scratch, dogs bite and eating bugs is only for when parents are looking. 

9-10 years:

  The beginning of puberty.  There is a lot of crying that happens here.  Your kid is now starting to develop and is unsure about how to deal with things they thought they knew.  Your kid's brain is moving from concrete thinking (seeing everything in black/white, good/bad idea, yes/no) to abstract thinking which involves them being able to see in greys, not every idea is good or bad and the absolute worse the Maybe.  This is like reliving the 3-4 years again without being able to snatch them up as easily especially if your out of shape.  If you have a girl this is the beginning of a father's sanity.  They start being interest in boys and you get the reversal of struggling.  Your boy on the other hand will have a better grasp of reality when he gets through this phase.  He'll be more inclined to have a conversation with you, unlike your daughter who will be pushing away from her parents who are stifling her.

11-14 years: (Middle School):

  Pray you only have boys.  Girls are mean, hateful and vindictive.  Boys are angels compared to girls at this age.  This is the age girls learn to hold a grudge, cry over boys and pretend they are grown by wearing inappropriate clothing.  I again like to thank myself for not having any girls.

14-22 years: (High School - College):

  At this point you just need to feed them money, encourage the positive things they do like sports and drop kick them occasionally back into reality.  Kids during this phase are going to push back at the limits and barriers as young children don't apply to them.  They want freedom but you have to temper this with responsibility like chores and/or a job.  Please don't pamper your kids to the point they don't understand the concept of hard work.

This is a basic outline, this is not what your child will or won't do.  If I knew that you'd be paying me for this and I would be bigger than Dr. Phil.  This is an overall view of my experiences and how they can or will relate to your life.  In the coming months I will give a more detail view of these dates and times to give you a better idea of how life is as a parent during these basic phases of growth.  Remember: the goal of parenting is making a productive member of society that won't be living in your basement or in a jail cell.  Remember to praise their accomplishments, encourage them to do what is needed to succeed and be consistent in your boundary setting.

-Rudest Dad