Father's Swimming Survival Kit

For all of you fathers out there this summer we are at some point going to be taking our kids to the pool, lake, ocean, pond.  For this reason I have put together your survival kit.  Depending on the amount of kids you will vary on the quantity of your haul, This gives you the outline regardless of size.  Just because we are the pack mules doesn't mean we have to suffer.

1) Sports Umbrella:  I'm a huge fan of these umbrellas as they are tough.  They can be laid down or be spiked into the ground.  Plus the bottom is a solid medal spike perfect for an impromptu Zombie killing tool.  Don't bring those giant 12x12 tents unless you are having a multi-family outing.














2)Spray Sun Tan Lotion:  This stuff is easy to apply and doesn't require your kids to be still for long.  Spray it on and rub it in.  I recommend a sport with a SPF of over 30.  This way you don't have to keep applying it so often throughout the day.  Regardless of what you get you should reapply 2-3 hours until they are golden brown.  Bright Pink makes home hell later.  Remember to spray on your hands before applying to their faces.




3)Towels/Blankets:  You need towels because drying without them just doesn't feel right.  I recommend the total number plus one.  If you bring a blanket or a mat you can minus 1 as you should be laying on that rather than the towels.  I recommend the roll compared to the fold for when you ram them in your pack.

4) Toys:  This is difficult if you don't want to lug a bag full.  Personally I say loose the bag of cheap beach toys and go with a decent sand shovel.  Everyone likes to dig at the beach.  With a few of these you and your kids can bury each other or build the most awesome moat to hold back the waves.  All the other toys will be forgotten, plus these sand shovels are light and can be easily carried.  Make sure the spade is made of a heavy plastic and the body of wood.


5)Blow ups and other fun: This is something I try to avoid at the beaches because you have sand to play in and boogie boards are so much more fun.  Plus unless your kids are munchkins they can carry their own.  If you must bring a float for the pool or lake say because your kid is to small to swim than I recommend something that is easily collapsible or requires a noodle to float.  Just remember whatever you bring with you has to be taken back.


6)Life Vest vs. Floaties:  Personally I go with the floaties.  They are small, blow up (meaning they deflate) so they will fit in your bag.  Also they won't cause you to suffer a head rush when you blow them and your floats up.  The life vest are great for a boat but in reality they don't allow kids the freedom to learn to swim as the floaties do.  Vest tend to end up around their ears and do exactly what they are intended for.  Let the kids swim not float.


7)Cooler:  This is a good idea if you plan an all day event at the beach or pool.  Just remember where you are going.  If you are going to a pool a cooler with rollers is awesome.  If you are going to the beach, that same cooler is going to piss you off.  Pack what you need not what they want because you will end up hungry because swimming is work and Doritos only last so long.  Pack plenty of protein sandwiches (Peanut Butter & Jellies)  and since a 12 pack of Gatorade from the store is almost as cheap as water I would go with that.  Water is great but you need salts and some sugar to replace what you loose.  Nothing is worse when the kids are burnt out and crying.  A little sugar helps them keep it together long enough to get to the car.




8)Pack: Now that you have everything you will need a pack to cram all this into.  I say go with a decent size book bag you have laying around you won't mind flipping inside out to get the sand out when you get home.



Now your ready to go.  You've unloaded the car with a pack on your back, umbrella on the shoulder, cooler in hand and shovels or a bag of toys in the other.  Everyman is the pack mule in the relationship.  This is just one way to get it there without wanting to bury a body in the sand.   

Man Fashion and the emasculation of Men in America

  Recently I've noticed a big push in the fashion industry for men specifically to start a new trend in short shorts, proving once again their are no straight men in fashion and women continue to think they know what we want.  I don't have anything against this except for the complete disconnect of what men really are going to wear.  Shorts should never be above the knee or below the calf.  There are certain things we shouldn't do but for some reason find this happening to us.  A man's thighs are not very attractive as we have unusual hair growth.  Men should not shave their legs unless they are competitive swimmers, therefore no thigh.  Also skinny jeans are a no, no.  Didn't we learn this from Break'n and Breank'n 2: Electric Boogaloo. 

   Fashion is by definition "what is cool now".  That doesn't mean it's a good idea.  I remember the 70s, 80s and 90s.  Thank god grunge came into play otherwise we would be living in a Beetle Juice Movie with crooked hats and Mad Max leather.

  I remember the short shorts with thigh high 3 ring socks on guys.  This should never happen again in history, but some reason the fashion industry believes this is a good course to take.  I for one find it hard to understand how dicks stayed confined back than.  It must of been very tight tightly whities.  Fashion of today is not doing anything new as they want everyone to think, rather they are just recycling what has already been done from different eras, smashing it together then reselling it to the general public.  Want something new and cool build me a shirt that makes me levitate or will never have to be wash, yet is so soft it doesn't feel like I'm wearing one.  This would be fashion.  Just because its trending doesn't mean it's a good thing.  

  The biggest problem are the people who buy and order clothes of major retailors are going to be stocking their shelves with skinny jeans and short shorts for guys in pastel and retinue burning colors.  I for one am going to have to start going to good will and consignment shops to find things that I won't be embarrassed to wear in public unless I plan on doing road work, than buying what their selling would be a safety necessity.  This may be one of the saddest times in fashion as all the current popular designers can't do anything but regurgitate things so old I haven't had (and am thankful for) in my closet since I was a little kid and my mother bought my clothes.

  Men wake up and realize that we are still being dressed by our mothers.  Fashion is not run by men with men saying that looks good.  Lets face it.  We all would still be wearing animal skins if this was taking place.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be left out of this.  I seriously wonder how many fashion people actually take a group of average guys like you and me to look and see what is "new fashion".  I guarantee we would have these people in tears in a matter of moments.  I've tried to watch those popular design shows, I feel for these emotional basket cases.  Clothing is a statement and Men have no say in this statement.

  Men for the last 20 years have taken a beating in the fashion industry.  We have slowly over time been and are being emasculated.  I understand to a certain degree women's desire to get back at being considered inferior and such, but they are taking it to far as young men and male children throughout the United States are being taught the things that allowed our species to survive and flourish are wrong.  Current cultural thinking is men need to be pressed, polished and feminine.  The fashion industry pumps this view, but I don't know a woman alive who wants a man who can't defend her from the bad guy.  They may say this isn't true, but if you are able to save her from some scary moment, I guarantee you some hot "thank you" sex afterwards.  Despite the emasculation of this our nature cannot be squashed in such a short time, we need outlets for our aggression and primal needs.  Despite what the shrinks say competition is the nature of the world and to say otherwise is a delusion setting people up for failure.

  Men take a look at magazines offered to us.  We all need to be sexy and vibrant.  These things don't offer you reality, they offer you pipe dreams and possibilities.  Reality however is not so simple with wife, kids, work, etc.  I continually breeze through these magazines in the grocery line and find hope for my children's masculinity being flushed down the toilet by people who don't live in reality.  Short, shorts and skinny jeans, scarves on men as accenting an outfit, what is America coming to.  This doesn't mean go out and dress in camouflage, running out to buy a gun you have no clue how to use.  The message is to boycott the fashion industries desire to dress us as our mothers did.

  Take a stand against short, shorts and skinny jeans on men.  Stay away from popping your collar, wearing scarves to accent your outfit.  Be men, if your going to wear shorts make sure they are not snug, let the twins breath down there, allow the air to flow, stop allowing the fashion industry cram your manhood away.